An Eternity of Affection

If you ever heard me saying I'm not a hopeless romantic, it's either I was lying, or forgot at the moment... That I was born to be a hopeless romantic. 

It's true that I don't really have a crush on any guy since the second year of college, but before that I had a crush on someone for six years before maturely - or childishly to be honest - ended it. And NO, I don't like him anymore, it's the truth.

But today I am twenty three. My heart is... aching to find a man I could lie it into. It's not a social pressure or anything. This feeling comes purely from within me, that I guess very humane and natural as a gift from The Highest One.

I've come to accept that loneliness, like what I've written a few posts ago, is also a human trait. Meaning, it's also very humane and natural for any human-being to experience it.

And of course, sometimes it's acute because this human, who absolutely knows that they're prone to this feeling, purposefully taunting it by watching their friends' newlywed activities on social media, or perhaps TV shows about how romantic marriages are.

There's this Korean song I always like. It's titled "ONLY" by singer Lee Hi. It's such a heartbreaking and romantic in its own, that its music video also directed in a bittersweet way. The music video was starred by Lee Je Hoon and Won Jin A, also two of my most favorite Korean actors of all time. 

Lee also starred in a drama called Tomorrow, With You, though strange, has a sweet and romantic story of a married couple with wounds, inferiorities, and imperfections that they want themselves to be together for a long time.

I think love between a man and a woman is very complex, somewhat absurd. Or that's just how Allah always want it to be. You know... just to make our lives colorful. Take the story between Adam 'alaihissalam and his wife, Eve. It involves feeling - a lot of feelings. It involves expectations that the two would live in a nice, stable condition; heaven. Anyway, the two were separated, just to meet again.

Does Allah created love to invoke expectation? Even though sometimes it's going under?

I don't know. But I'm afraid to expect in love.

I know I've always forcing myself to prove myself in love. But love is about give-and-take. And recently, I've found that asking for feedbacks in love, even if it's overwhelming, is not selfish. 

It's a right.

And the moment I learnt it's a right, I stopped forcing myself to just give and not take.

I... want to be loved. 

I want him to treat me as a beauty, even though I'm ugly. 

To treat me as an intelligent, even though I'm stupid.

To put hopes in me as a shaliha wife, even though I'm far from it. 

To console me if I feel bad after taking wrong decisions. 

To hug me. 

To kiss me. 

To tell me jokes. 

To praise my cooking skill even though it's failed sometimes. 

To give me some allowances to manage his house and kids. 

To put nice words about me in front of his parents and family. 

To not yell at me. 

To pay attention to me. 

To not hit me. 

To sleep in the same bed with me until I'm stinky old. 

To act polite in front of my parents, friends, and family. 

To feel jealous if I don't give him enough attention. 

To not marry anyone else when I'm still alive. 

To teach me about Islam. 

To listen to my opinions.

And many other expectations that I haven't thought yet.

It's a right to have these expectations, as a human-being, as a Muslim, as a hopeless romantic lady.

It's my right to have them - but am I gonna get them? It's a different matter.

Yesterday, I just listened to a sad story about couple divorcing originally from its experiencer. I was crying, relating it to my own life and the lives of some people around me.

It's not wrong to have a high expectation, right? But sometimes the reality of life need you to have negotiation and open-mindedness.

Hence, it's not wrong to want to be married to not feel lonely and to be loved.

But I want to tone it to another rhyme just so it wouldn't hurt if my expectations went down the drain.

Sit Khatun, now a very well-known historical figure, in her early life wanted to marry a man who vowed to liberate Bait al-Maqdis when it's still colonized, and to uphold the Islamic value when governing it after its return. Then she met Najmuddin al-Ayyub, a high-ranking soldier who held the same hope in woman he wanted to marry even though he needed to wait for a long time to find that kind of woman. But destiny is destiny, they finally met, got married, and gave birth to kids. One of them was Saladin al-Ayyub who, indeed, liberated the Bait al-Maqdis.

So, sometimes people like Sit Khatun are quite content just with things like this. I don't mean it's not romantic. It is romantic... in its own way. In fact, it's a very enormous goal involving the lives of millions of people. Who doesn't feel happy knowing that you're fighting a better world for everybody?

But could you imagine a soldier who faced a prolonged battle? It means he's not always gonna be there for you. He could even die with body torn apart you couldn't recognize him anymore.

Doesn't it mean you're still gonna be lonely after marriage?

If marriage is a salvation for loneliness, what about this kind of marriage? 

And if loneliness and instability could be a reason for a divorce in another world, why were they still married for decades after that and be a family?

I know, I know that every soul is different. Sit Khatun's value might not be suitable for everybody. Is it suitable for me? I don't know...

But is this value relevant to tame my burning hopeless romantic expectation? Maybe... And I wish it would be my value too in this turbulent and full-of-turmoil time.

But could he has both, though?

Aside from being a hero for this world, could he fulfil my hopeless romantic expectation too?

So that when my sweet soldier's gone to this prolonged battle, I would religiously pray for his soul and safety, and my heart always long for him to come back home to me... if not here in this world, perhaps later in the hereafter...?

It makes me wanna fall in love with someone I haven't met yet. I hope when he comes, he's for eternity.

Regardless, the twenty three years-old Mutia is still not ready to get married.

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Planet Earth,

May 12, 2024